What do women (not) want?

Like a genuine addict, I got up and logged in to facebook one recent morning for my daily fix of banter, news, attention-seeking slogans, gossip, like solicitations, unsolicited ads and pornish visual content and surprises; and oh surprised I was. I stumbled upon this post from a male friend: 

      ‘Ladies!!! Your boyfriend should not be your source of income or inherit the responsibilities of your parents. It's a relationship and not a job opportunity!!!’ 

That far, the post had already left a left trail of comments and reactions in its wake; elicited likes, almost unanimously from guys, and reproaches from girl folk, generally that is. I joined the queue, quickly and sincerely liking the post, not on a guy loyalty or macho esprit de corps level but because the post resonated deeply with me since I once dated a girl who left me with the impression I was supposed to be her parents, underwriting her needs and whims. Fortunately I evaded this unscathed and only dogged by a few questions I have been trying to answer ever since.

Why are women always needy?

Show me a woman who doesn’t something at any point in time and I’ll show you a rat that can fly. No matter how hard they try, women always need something, be it material and immaterial. As humans we all have needs that have to be satisfied but the situation with women seems very different as they always need something especially when you happen to be amorally tethered to them. After several attempts to solve this great unsolved timeless mystery, I can now sincerely shout eureka, eureka because I have truly found the answer and here it is: Women know how to increase their needs. Let me explain. Our humanity and membership in a consumer society confers a certain load of both material and immaterial needs on us but women have increased their load of needs by being impressionable and greedy, generally speaking that is. The ensuing enumeration expresses this fact better:

1-      Women have eye brows but shave it to buy eye pencils or I don’t know what?

2-      Women have eye lids but buy fake ones to add.

3-      Women have and can use natural hair but buy human and fake hair.

4-      Women can sure bath with normal soap but must buy special soap.

The above needs don’t come cheap and given the hard times as well as high employment you now see why women are always needy. It is practically speaking self-inflicted.

What do women (not) want?

Current and loyal viewers of MNET should have seen this add. It starts with a presentation of the second law of motion before moving to the speed of light. It then ends with an attempted mathematical explanation of what women want. This wild goose chase ends with the phase, “The equation remains unsolved”, delivered in an endearing French accent. The question of what women want is so etched into popular contemporary folk that has become a cliché. It is worth pointing out however that question is very omnipresent in masculine chronicles of their encounters with the feminine kind. Personally, I think current realities should dictate a review and restructuring of this question which should now read what do women not want. The answer in my opinion is that women want everything.Women want a guy who doesn’t like sports, who doesn’t hang out with his friends, who says yes to her every whim, who always compliments even if reality demands the contrary, who opens the door, who flatters her, who always consults her, who cuddles after sex, who makes up the bed, who always pays the bill, guys who can read their minds, guys who like watching chick flicks etccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc. Women want everything basically and it’s exhausting to be in their lives when they're in this mood.

All of this has left me with one big question: what happened to feminism, empowerment and associated stuff?

What happened to feminism, empowerment and associated stuff?

Feminism and offspring like women empowerment, equality etc, correct me if am wrong, were supposed to give birth to a new breed of women, strong, independent and assertive; a specie not afraid to defy, upset and restructure not just the morphology but also the etymology of traditionalist definitions of women as ever dependent extensions of men. That was the plan anyway. However I can say from experience that either positive feminist values like independence have not been served to some African ladies or a heavily diluted (should the word not be polluted?) version has been infused into their intellectual diet otherwise how can you explain the still deeply monodimensional view of relationships by African ladies. Hear one who reacted to the post quoted above

‘‘…let me ask u a simple question; what is ur role as a boyfriend??it is only when u will answa me dat I will say wat I av to say!!’.

This is a joke compared to the aberration that comes next,

‘Its depends on the society. In Cameroon, young girls don't have jobs, and their parents are poor. They rely on their boyfriends to buy clothes, shoes, make ups, Indian hair and so on. (Name withheld), do u think if young girls got jobs they will depend on men?

These views belong to degree-holding ladies and not primary school deprived women. Something really bad surely happened either to the dissemination, definition or practice, and even all, of feminism and women empowerment amongst African women folk. Who will change this? Positive feminism has made huge inroads in Africa but not necessarily where it is needed the most: girls’ minds.

P/S: I know there is that one lady who will brush this post away as nothing more than the outburst of a stingy jilted discontented boyfriend. We are all entitled to an opinion. In this world of human rights, opinions have become cheap and affordable. That said, let me state here that no guy, as least not a sensible one, wants to be tied amorously or matrimonially to a perpetually dependent and need women, not because of stinginess (our male egos swell disproportionately each time we offer our women something) but because of the following: relationships are partnerships, this dependent mental configuration surreptitiously perpetuates antifeminist mantras like feminine subservience; remember the saying ‘he who pays the piper dictates the tune’. Once again, guys enjoy splurging on the women in their lives; but going forward we don’t want to feel like cows bred only for their milk. More so, in the absence of the omnipotent father, what will the children become with an acutely dependent mother? Just saying.

The proudest moment of my Cameroonian life

Conventionally and especially at national level, citizens of a country are often expected to have  a defining moment in their citizenship when they are most proud of their country; when they are most ready to identify with their country even if it cost them a beating or their lives. With the ongoing recession of our darling Indomitable Lions, hardship, pervasive corruption and a barrage of other negatives in my country, I must confess I can’t sincerely identify a moment I have most recently been proud of as a Cameroonian. But thanks to some bias and reporting (I initially wrote bias reporting) from French 24 hour news channel France 24, I can proudly day that I am healed, I am a new Cameroonian. I finally had the proudest moment of my Cameroonian life yesterday night.

Yesterday night as I sat in front of my TV reeling from an- out –of- the- blue nose-clogging catarrh and toe channel-surfing, I stumbled on France 24. The story was about the sentencing of two alleged Cameroonian homosexuals to jail terms of 2 years and 1 and the half year suspended. Not very refreshing news, right? But given that Cameroonian has recently received bad press on the world stage for government interference in football and, way back, the kidnapping of a French family; I decided to tarry here a while.

The report prologued with declarations from a face-hidden homosexual identified only as ‘Simplice’. He said quite a few things but I was struck by two statements he made; 1- Why all the fuss about homosexuality anyway? 2- Why is Cameroon always lagging behind? The report then went on to a Caucasian lady working with the LGBT Unit of Human Rights Watch. It is worth stating that LGBT defends gay and lesbian rights. I have forgotten the lady’s name but I can vividly remember her say they ‘have had reports’ (just reports) where men have been accused of homosexuality because they were drinking Baileys which is considered a drink for women. I also vividly remember her saying that although most African countries have homosexuality-criminalising laws Cameroon stands out because it actually enforces these laws. If this far you’ve been wondering where is the proudest moment of my life in all this, this is it; CAMEROON STANDS OUT BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY ENFORCES THESE LAWS.

France 24 is a French language news channel so all these statements culled therefrom which I present in English are translations. But trust me, there are appropriate translations of the source message. So why did the capitalised statement provide me with the proudest moment of my Cameroonian life? There are mainly two reasons for this:

1-      It means, even just subjectively, that Cameroon respects the rule of law. When enforcing the law is concerned, most Cameroonians will argue and rightly so that laws are hardly or never enforced. The law on the declaration of wealth by government officials is still waiting to be enforced. The Senate finally saw the light of day post over 16 years of asking. So imagine my relief at the declaration from an impartial international quarter that Cameroon actually enforces some of its laws. Thank God for the vindication albeit belated and subjective. ‘Mouiller c’est mouiller. Il n y pas de mouiller sec.’

2-    Cameroon is defending its values. Just as America is anti-polygamy so too are we Africans anti-something like homosexuality. The defense of these values is most eloquent and affirmed through laws. So by prosecuting, most especially, Cameroonian courts are rising up in defense of our values that are under attack from various international quarters. Contrary to what can be said in other instances, our values are not only siege without a response on our part. They are being defended, in court.

P.S: I am sorry to have disappointed anybody who thought my pride came from the morbid joy seeing others’ liberty deprivation. No, far from that. I am no legal guru so forgive my not mentioning the merits and demerits of the case. I am just a citizen finally proud to see his country enforcing some of its laws.

There's something about Douala

I have always been surprised and sometimes offended by the deep attachment of my Douala – based friends and acquaintances to their city - big old Douala. Being a loyal resident of calm and comparatively SMALL Buea, I have always wandered as to what accounts for this attachment. Is it a no-place-like-home thing or does this spring from a less subjective well-spring of facts and data? But in shuffling through the mental residue from conversions with my Douala-based friends and acquaintances, I discover that their love for their city comes from a somewhat sentimental place. It is the outcome of their comparing the economic capital of the central African giant with the darling of ousted German colonial masters. This is not a fair game.( It is almost like pitting Lebron James against Michael Jordon; Jordan is a legend but in a 7 game series he won’t be able to keep up with fiery young King James.) Dissatisfied with this discovery and inexplicably convinced that there was something more objective, quantifiable and poetic about this metropolis, I have been on the lookout each time I am in Douala (like now), looking for meaning in every foible or eccentricity encountered. But before I proceed I must unapologetically say this: when compared with Buea, Douala is a hell hole; that sweltering dry season, the stench spewing from the various factories and the insalubrious conditions in inner city neighbourhoods. Now that I’ve gotten that load off my chest, let’s get back to business.

Eureka, eureka, I found it. I think I found a cogent, air and water-tide explanation for Douala’s magnetic hold on its residents. It is neither the skyscrapers nor the economic opportunities. It is neither the supposedly-faster internet nor the savvy and courageous day-light operating pick-pockets. It’s the more acute awareness of the need to survive that pushes the common man and woman to think out of the box and retail spaghetti in plastic bags for 100 CFAF, to slice a large bulb of onion into four halves to sell it faster, to bottle yellowish water, fridge it and sell, not forgetting filling empty cement bags with sand for sale during the rainy season in marshland-set neighbourhoods. It is true that these realities aren’t the sole preserve of Douala but from where I stand it is more prevalent in Douala to the point where you can perceive it with all your senses. With this, if you have drive and motivation like most of my Douala-based friends and acquaintances you'll surely be attached to Douala. This reality is inspiring, overwhelming and above all comforting since it reveals the uncelebrated ingenuity of the real Africans, hardly ever or never portrayed on TV. This is the something, I think, that should enlist the undying loyalty and trigger the most pride from Doualans. This is one thing about Douala that should be copied by all other Cameroonian and African cities.

Disclaimer: During the season in Douala, this writer hereby rejects any ownership of the ideas expressed above. Lol.

How to know you don't have taxi manners

I have kept this particular post in my vaults for long and if not for this one  passenger I travelled with from Buea to Douala, it would have continued its quiet slumber. Unfortunately for my nostrils and comfort and fortunately for your reading pleasure, this passenger accomplished a fit that has exacted this post from me. ( In fact he/she farted in the bus. Despite my discreet visual sweep of the entire bus I could not quite put a face to that toxic fart. Frustrated I am writing this post. So here we go.

Just like any other shared space, taxis have rules that bind ( or are supposed to bind) all those who share it at any point in time. But it feels like some people don't know this fact or have brazenly decided to ignore it. So let me refresh some memories and enlighten others. If you can't say check on anyone of the points below then know you lack taxi manners.

 1- Upon arriving at your destination, you step out of taxi before you start drilling, rummaging and exploring  your pockets, wallet, purse or bag for your taxi fare. 

2- It is only upon arriving your destination that you tell the driver you'll need change.

3- On boarding you don't tell the driver the fare you are ready to pay.

4- You don't tell the driver you don't have any money on you and will only pay upon arriving.

5- You fart in the car or board a car after just farting. This is the ultimate No No and supremeest proof you have no taxi manners. 
           
         There are many more but these are the most obvious my frustrated mind and assaulted nostrils could conjure off the cuff. So from the above, I hope you can tell whether or not you have taxi manners.

No comment!

P/S: Wearers of saggy trousers/shorts and miniskirts visiting the Buea Regional Hospital are warned.